You know that feeling, the feeling where all your verbs and consonants break on the back of your tongue, preventing the sea of words and thoughts to flow fluidly from your lips? The feeling where your heart and mind confide in your innermost soul, searching for answers and questions prepared to ask but now long forgotten. The feeling where you know what’s going to happen if you say something is a lot better than what would happen if you don’t. So you risk it all. Hold back your words but part your eyelids to reveal a flood of tears. They will speak for me. They will bring back every childhood memory, and every promise you made to me. And remind you of how you ruined it all. And how vulnerable I am to still trust you.
I used to hold you and tell you that you were my favorite girl. Teach you things about worlds you’ve never been to. Lace your fingers with mine while walking on busy streets. Teach you that a real man will open car doors for you, and in return you lean over and unlock his. Embed it in your brain that the man always walks closest to the street, and never lets you pay for dinner. I used to comb through your long black hair and attempt to braid it. And when it dawned on you that I couldn’t, you would just tie it in a ponytail. You used to tell me you’re always on my team, but lately I’ve been catching you wearing a different jersey. And to be honest, I thought I was strong enough to take it. Going up to bat and seeing you as my pitcher, instead of looking behind me and seeing you in the stands cheering me on.
Somewhere in between hello and goodbye, you understood what my tears said. You understood for the first time in a long time, my feelings. What I wanted, what I need out of this relationship. You understood how many times my heart has been broken this year, and predicted how many more times it will be; if this keeps going on. You’ve understood that I mold myself like wet clay around young woman’s eyes hoping that they will give me the slightest attention. Because the one woman who I desperately need it from, doesn’t even bother to. I confide in pointless relationships, that all end like you and I. A hello, and a sad goodbye. And even though I make mistakes, you need to learn to move on. As do I. Moving onto the next girl who can somehow fill in empty spaces of where you should be. Your efforts are weak. You gave up. Motivation is running thin in your heart, and I am the one to blame. As of now. But if we go back, way back, to how things all started it’s safe to point fingers and blame, you. I’ve held my tongue for too many years but unraveled down the throats of ignorant women.
The first time she hugged me it was identical to the way you would hug me, the way she kissed my forehead was an imitation of the way you did it. So I kept her around. And when everything fell apart, we fell out of place, all over again. But I held my words. Weeks without speaking to you, and then you felt it. You felt the storm in the back of my head, and built up the man that was missing so many times, to call you. “Are you okay” I parted my eyelids, and you know that feeling … the feeling where all your verbs and consonants break on the back of your tongue, preventing the sea of words and thoughts to flow fluidly from your lips? The feeling where your heart and mind confide in your innermost soul, searching for answers and questions prepared to ask but now long forgotten. The feeling where you know what’s going to happen if you say something is a lot better than what would happen if you don’t. So you risk it all …
So I risked it all.
I used to hold you and tell you that you were my favorite girl. Teach you things about worlds you’ve never been to. Lace your fingers with mine while walking on busy streets. Teach you that a real man will open car doors for you, and in return you lean over and unlock his. Embed it in your brain that the man always walks closest to the street, and never lets you pay for dinner. I used to comb through your long black hair and attempt to braid it. And when it dawned on you that I couldn’t, you would just tie it in a ponytail. You used to tell me you’re always on my team, but lately I’ve been catching you wearing a different jersey. And to be honest, I thought I was strong enough to take it. Going up to bat and seeing you as my pitcher, instead of looking behind me and seeing you in the stands cheering me on.
Somewhere in between hello and goodbye, you understood what my tears said. You understood for the first time in a long time, my feelings. What I wanted, what I need out of this relationship. You understood how many times my heart has been broken this year, and predicted how many more times it will be; if this keeps going on. You’ve understood that I mold myself like wet clay around young woman’s eyes hoping that they will give me the slightest attention. Because the one woman who I desperately need it from, doesn’t even bother to. I confide in pointless relationships, that all end like you and I. A hello, and a sad goodbye. And even though I make mistakes, you need to learn to move on. As do I. Moving onto the next girl who can somehow fill in empty spaces of where you should be. Your efforts are weak. You gave up. Motivation is running thin in your heart, and I am the one to blame. As of now. But if we go back, way back, to how things all started it’s safe to point fingers and blame, you. I’ve held my tongue for too many years but unraveled down the throats of ignorant women.
The first time she hugged me it was identical to the way you would hug me, the way she kissed my forehead was an imitation of the way you did it. So I kept her around. And when everything fell apart, we fell out of place, all over again. But I held my words. Weeks without speaking to you, and then you felt it. You felt the storm in the back of my head, and built up the man that was missing so many times, to call you. “Are you okay” I parted my eyelids, and you know that feeling … the feeling where all your verbs and consonants break on the back of your tongue, preventing the sea of words and thoughts to flow fluidly from your lips? The feeling where your heart and mind confide in your innermost soul, searching for answers and questions prepared to ask but now long forgotten. The feeling where you know what’s going to happen if you say something is a lot better than what would happen if you don’t. So you risk it all …
So I risked it all.
damn..
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